Does your writing keep you sane?

I’m beginning to think it’s the complete opposite.

It is driving me insane.

I had an almost 5 hours conversation with a friend from here last night. For the most part she just let me talk, she’s a very good listener. And has a lot of patience listening to me for 5 hours. Lol

We talked about my “black and white” thinking as well as other things. After we got off the phone I took some time to think about what she said.

I write solely about my past relationship and dabble in Psychology and mindfulness. while I do stick mostly with the bad of my ex, she does have good qualities. I find it extremely hard to find anything positive in her when I am in the “victim” mindset it seems.

And yea, each time we get back together especially this most recent time it was almost like I was being idealized by her again, just as the beginning of the relationship.

But with all the past lies and manipulation I have a super rough time trusting anything she tells me. And in return have a rough time trusting others too now. Then my feelings usually get the best of me, or I would find out a new lie. Then the cycle starts over again.

I’m very emotional. And when they start flowing every way she did me wrong comes to surface. And looking back, I’m not sure if anything my ex ever said to me was authentic and honest. She probably tells everyone exactly what she hooked me with. I honestly feel like I was just a number. How can someone do the things she did have have absolutely NO empathy for her actions?

She said she felt bad for it, but she can so quickly flip her feelings off for me and run off or start taking to another guy. For the life of me I can’t figure that out. Something is off, I don’t understand.

My friend had me list 3 good qualities I like about my ex, naming the 3rd came with a lot of “ifs” so I can’t base a good quality on an “if.”

I know I need to change something up. But I am starting to get a unhealthy validation from writing about this shit. I hate the word “victim” but my friend explained it a little differently and I felt tense and anxious while discussing it, but it was quickly resolved and we discussed it like two adults. Lol.

I know that doesn’t seem like a lot, but it was to me because generally when I would express feelings it would end in rejection, disappearance or being blocked.

So yea, it kinda keeps me sane at times, but at this point I think writing could be defeating its’a purpose.

What happened, happened. And me thinking my ex has any motivation to change is insanity on my part.

I’m not saying everything is her fault, but the cheating, lies and manipulation is a hard pill to swallow and accept.

I can be a very difficult person. I can blow off the handle and lose my shit when I’m being manipulated and I know it.

I must really hate myself to believe she’s the “girl” for me after what she has done. It’s my guilt that keeps me stuck, I want to help her so badly, but that alone is insane thinking.

I would have done anything for this girl and that’s what I’ll never understand.

I need to stop reliving the past and start living in my new beginning, free from reliving the abuse each day in my writings.

Because it’s keeping me stuck