Sometimes in order to go forward you need to go back, maybe even regress a bit, to know where forward is. Was I testing my therapist on Friday or was he testing me? Or were we just existing in a place in a relationship that feels hard. Miscommunication? I reached out to a brand new therapist for a consult, I thought I left my final session with my therapist on Friday. As I walked to my car, drafting my termination email in my head. Am I running away from my therapist like I do with all of my relationships when they get hard? I think so. So the real work is to stay, to stay in the heat, stay where it is uncomfortable. My therapist is so strong with me, he can withstand all of my emotions. I feel like he is kindly holding me but I am banging my arms and thrashing my head, I'm having a tempertantrum and he holds me tight (figuratively) telling me he sees me and he can see how hard this is for me. My meltdowns, my successes, my essence... he holds it all until I calm down and I can realize he really does care for me. He is safe, I am ok, I am not in any danger.
I think I found the anger stage of my therapy. Several years ago my T said "your anger is welcomed here".
Game on.
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