Whenever you are starting a new job, always let them know that you have 4 alive grandparents. Then you have 4 pre-made excuses for whenever you don't want to come into work.
When you’re shopping online and need to reach a threshold for free delivery, simply add a gift card to your order. The next time you make a purchase, you can use the card and repeat the process.
When dining alone at a restaurant, bring a notebook. Write in it occasionally. The staff might think you're a food critic, and they'll likely try their best to impress you, maybe even treating you to some free food.
If someone ever calls you fat, tell them you used to be 75 lbs heavier. It will make them feel guilty for saying it to you, while also making you look accomplished for losing weight.
Use airplane mode to hang up on people. They will see "call failed" instead of "call ended".
When you're looking for a job, post a fake ad for a very similar position on the internet so you could check out the resumes of your competition.
Show your date your Mensa IQ score, instead of your Tinder profile or Instagram. That's how you go from being average to standing out.
If your girl ever gets mad at you and won't speak, just tighten up all the jars in the house. Eventually she'll have to talk to you to get your help opening up one of the jars.
If your coworker ever calls in sick for work, you can do the same 1-3 days later. Your boss will think you have the same thing and it's "going around the office". Your boss may even do the same shortly after you. It's called the "fake flu".
lf you want people to stop letting dogs sh*t on your lawn. Instead of a sign saying "no dogs allowed", put up one saying "Lawn recently treated with toxic pesticides". Nobody would let their dog anywhere near your lawn ever again.
If you're in a taxi and you think the driver is purposely driving slow to get the meter up. Just cough or sneeze to make yourself seem sick and watch the driver speed up to prevent catching something from you.
If you want to slack off at work, slack off but act annoyed or frustrated around your boss. This will give the impression that you're working hard and the job is getting you heated.
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